What do I think of this coming year? Well, I don’t know yet… I have some expectations but other than that it’s an open book for me.

Many people ask me what are my New Year’s resolutions for this coming year… it’s a popular question and something I should have an answer to since I probably had time to think about it. Yet, when asked I can’t come up with a definite answer…

Should I be worried? Maybe… but it’s a reminder to formulate realistic goals and to set my sights on something greater than before.

Here’s one thing about me that you should know when it comes to this time of year… I DO NOT MAKE RESOLUTIONS! Oh, but why you ask… well, because resolutions aren’t that successful for most people.

I mean, let’s be real… most people don’t keep their resolutions to the end of the year, heck… most don’t keep their resolutions for a few weeks! That’s just the nature of the beast. What’s most important is change, not resolution.

What’s the difference? Well, here are some definitions for resolve and change:

re·solve

“to reach a firm decision about”

change

“to make radically different”

Big, gigantic difference… right? I mean to resolve is simply referring to behavior modification, about individual decision-making… on the other hand change is not referring to behavior modificaiton, but character transformation!

The reason why resolutions don’t work most of the time is because making small changes in behavior doesn’t last… you have good intentions at the beginning and you might stick with it for a day, month, year… or maybe longer. Yet, most of the time you will stop… you will fall. We all fall and that’s ok, but making simple resolutions hasn’t changed many people’s lives according to my everyman observations.

Making changes is different: Change implies transformation… becoming one thing into something completely different. Changes last. Changes aren’t based on making slight resolutions or decisions from time to time but it’s a change in character, in mode, in disposition.

So this year, DO NOT RESOLVE to be a better person. Whatever your goals are for this coming year (there are plenty you can choose from), don’t make small decisions or simple resolutions that will fade away with the coming year; but make some big, gigantic changes in your character, your very being.

If you decide to make change, whatever goals you have… they will be fulfilled because you are not making simple resolutions with old character traits… but new changes that are symptomatic of new character… a new being!

I will close with a quote:

“Things do not change; we change.” — Henry David Thoreau

So stop with the disappointing resolutions and start committing to make some changes… real, life-altering changes!

~ Eugene Peterson

In just a few moments I would like for you to take some time to wrap around your mind what Christmas really means, and what it doesn’t. In these moments I won’t go into a diatribe against those who simply look at Christmas as a day “Good ol’ Saint Nick” comes around to little boys and girls homes (or apartments, condos, mobile homes, whatever) to deliver them gifts, or I won’t go into why people want to remove “‘Christ’ out of Christmas” or why our government can be so antagonistic about anything religious: you know and I know that these things lead to never-ending discussions and arguments — and that in and of itself can lead us away from the true message.

So with that disclosure said (hopefully plainly and clearly), I would like to share some thoughts from Matthew 1:18-25 about the narrative of the birth of Christ — I mean this is the “baby boy” I’m speaking of, and what the Christmas holiday is centered on…

Recently I taught in my Sunday School class (11th Grade @ Mount Zion Baptist Church) some insights that most people glean over when we discuss what the birth of Christ really means:

1. A baby conceived out of wedlock!

Many people, when they explain the birth of Christ, don’t discuss the scandalous element that is plainly written in the narrative. Verses 18 and 19 discusses how Mary was engaged to be married to Joseph, and that before they even made it to the “honeymoon suite,” Joseph found out that Mary was pregnant with child!

Ok, so first… how is this not scandalous? I mean, Mary is pregnant… before she was married! You think this is taboo today, imagine 2,000 years ago in Jewish culture. If Mary was discovered to be pregnant outside of marriage by the religious leaders of the day, she could have very well been stoned to death! (Deuteronomy 22:13-21)

Also, it says that “Joseph, chagrined but noble, determined to take care of things quietly so Mary would not be disgraced.” (Mt. 1:18-19b MSG) Can you imagine how difficult it would be, as a man, to find out your soon to be wife is pregnant, and not by you! I would be livid, angry, and the first thing I would want to do is disgrace her… and find out who got her pregnant! Joseph chagrined: he was uneasy, embarrassed by the whole situation; but he remained noble: he possessed great character and despite everything — he still kept everything quiet and determined to still love Mary despite the situation.

2. A baby conceived by the Holy Spirit?

As if a young, virgin girl getting pregnant outside of marriage by someone who is not her soon to be husband isn’t bad enough… to find out how Mary got pregnant sure helps to tip the scales on “crazy”! First, in this passage it states that Mary already knew how she got pregnant but Joseph had not found out up to this point. I can imagine being Joseph and finding out that your fiancée got pregnant, not by another man, but the Holy Spirit… WHAT?!

Yep, Mary’s baby was conceived by God, the Holy Spirit. Don’t ask me how this works… it is truly a miracle. I mean, if God can “breathe the breath of life” into man and “form him out of the dust of the ground” (Gen. 2:7), then He can pretty much do anything! But still… this is crazy scandalous. I mean why didn’t God wait until Joseph and Mary got married? Why didn’t God just allow Mary and Joseph to have a baby and God “bless it” with divinity? Because that wasn’t the plan. God had written in the Old Testament scriptures that “a virgin will have a son and it will be called Immanuel (God with us)” (Isa. 7:14). This answers both questions into why God couldn’t make an ordinary baby divine (Col. 2:9; 1 Tim. 3:16) or allow Joseph and Mary to consummate the marriage (Mt. 1:24-25).

This is a mystery that we will never be able to explain how it happened, but we know that it did happen!

This wonderful passage in Matthew 1 concludes with the dream Joseph receives from the angel of the LORD, and the most important reason why all of this scandal happened is stated:

“She will bring a son to birth, and when she does, you, Joseph, will name him Jesus — ‘God Saves’ — because he will save his people from their sins.” (Mt. 1:23 MSG)

Joseph is the “unsung hero” of the narrative: he didn’t put Mary to shame, he took care of things quietly, and he didn’t hesitate to obey the voice of God in the midst of scandal. Even though we do not have a single recorded word by Joseph in Scripture, he is just as important to the story as Mary, whom many revere.

So what can we learn? Well, God sometimes calls us to very difficult things. Will we be unwaveringly obedient despite how tough the circumstances are, or how much we might have to sacrifice? God called Joseph and Mary to something very difficult but rewarding, they were to birth the Son of the Living God!

Remember, this Christmas, to be completely obedient to God’s leading in your life… anything less than complete obedience will not bring blessing in your life…

So be blessed this season and into the next year!

I love to write…

and I miss it!

But I will keep this post brief. All I want to do is to give thanks! Giving thanks… it’s something we should do everyday. I don’t know why we have to have holidays to celebrate concepts that should be so intertwined in our lives. I’ll be lighthearted and say that for this holiday, Thanksgiving, it’s an excuse to take off work (for most of us), to gather together with loved ones and eat way too much!

I want to simply share with you a passage of Scripture I have been studying this week. It has really spoken to my heart and God has something good to say here!

Psalm 133

¹Behold, how good and pleasant it is
when brothers dwell in unity!
²It is like the precious oil on the head,
running down on the beard,
on the beard of Aaron,
running down on the collar of his robes!
³It is like the dew of Hermon,
which falls on the mountains of Zion!
For there the LORD has commanded the blessing,
life forevermore.

Here are some principles to take away from this Scripture:

1. Reconcile

If you have any relationships in your life that need to experience forgiveness and reconciliation, then take this time to seek that person (or persons) out and to display an act of thanksgiving: by stating that you are sorry for the brokenness and that you want healing in your relationship.

2. Regain

So many times we focus on our external circumstances instead of the One who is ultimately in control of our lives. We need to regain focus on God, who is the Giver and Sustainer of our lives. He alone is worthy of thanks and praise. Find time to praise him, not just for what He gives but who He is. Then you will understand that despite good or bad times, He is still good.

3. Retrust

There is nothing wrong with asking for provision, but there is something wrong with not giving thanks for what has been given to you. Stop focusing on your lack and focus on your provision — no matter how big or small it seems. A friend once told me this quote: “What if the only things we have today are the things we thanked God for yesterday.” Powerful isn’t it?

Let us remember these things…

http://daretofollow.wordpress.com/2011/09/10/just-a-speck-2/

——————-

“You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go”

The Afters – “Lift Me Up”

For every stumble, there is a fall…

For every fall, there is a getting back up.

This is what life is all about. In my last post you saw a very dark side of my feelings. You saw the side that had lost hope. I wanted to be very real, raw, and honest about my struggles. Why? Because I think its important that we have some Christians that aren’t afraid to wear their heart on their sleeves. We need Christians that aren’t ashamed to express their true feelings about life, faith, and God. Because we live in a culture that thrives on success and shuns failure, for us to express failure is shameful. We want to live lives of success… who doesn’t? But do we want to live lives of success at the risk of faking it?

“Faking it” has become the new norm. Especially in the church we are so focused on perfection that we neglect the fact that we are imperfect; and that people should expect us to make mistakes, mess up, and receive the grace freely given to us in Christ Jesus. This is something I struggled with throughout my teenage years… and somewhat today. I had the idea that Christianity was just like every other religion: If I do good things, God will love me… If I do bad things, God will hate me. That was my faith life for a very long time… very unrewarding and a life filled with guilt and pressure to be perfect.

Thank God that I have been freed from that kind of living… and have moved on to a genuine, authentic relationship with Jesus Christ. No more checklists, no more fear… just a life filled with love and grace. Let’s make a note though: we must live lives that are obedient to Jesus Christ and His commands for us to experience the freedom of a life full of grace and love. Truth is vital. We must live by the standards Christ laid out for us. The good thing is that when we sin, God will forgive us when we ask. If we live lives of habitual sinning: lives that disregard the purity and intention of God’s grace… then we can never experience true love and grace in Jesus Christ.

I wanted to write this post because I didn’t want people to think I was stuck in a vortex of disappointment, depression, and hopelessness. My relationship with Jesus Christ has given me the victory to live a life full of the fruit of the Spirit and a life connected with the good grace of God. Anytime you see a Christian defeated, it’s only because they have forgotten to claim the promises already given to him by God. The Scriptures are what bring life to us. The Scriptures lead us into a deep intimacy with the Father. Once you have tasted and seen that the Lord is good… you will never want to go back to the life you once lived apart from Him.

So yes, I have lived a life of defeat. I have lived a life completely turned away from God and completely disobedient toward Him. I have lived a life without His unmerited favor. I know what it’s like to taste and see, and then to still turn away… The wonderful thing is once you tasted and seen, it doesn’t mean you won’t turn away… it means that it is difficult to stay turned away… you will always feel empty and then you realize that God was what was filling you and giving you purpose in life.

So the last post was the dark, it was the valley, it was the “shadow of death” if you will. But this post is the light, the mountain, the path to life everlasting. I so desperately wanted to share with you that life is going to be tough. None of us are entitled to a life without pain, loss, and anxiety. Yet, as Christians, we are entitled to a life of victory over pain, loss, and anxiety– because of the finished work of Jesus Christ on the cross!

——————-

Inspiration for this post came from the song “Lift Me Up” by The Afters from the album Light Up The Sky.

Sometimes I don’t understand what life is. I don’t get why I am where I am. This has been going on for far too long now. Why won’t things change?

The confusion and anxiety of this life is unnerving even for the most heroic. All I can do is drown in my emotions and breathe in the pain as my lungs collapse because of the weight of it all.

It’s truly unfair…

It’s truly unfair to know that you are lagging behind in everything in life while everyone else is racing ahead of you — and even a couple give you the proverbial finger… pardon the language.

You try so hard, it’s not like you aren’t doing anything… But you try, and try, and try some more… and what? Nothing happens, it’s as if you are in pause and there is no one to press play. Why won’t your life continue? Why can’t you get things right? Why are you such a loser? I know that’s what people think even if they don’t say it.

I can’t blame people for not wanting to be around me, sometimes I don’t want to be around myself… sometimes I even hate being who I am. I can’t blame people for mocking and jeering… I have nothing to show them… nothing to prove to them that I am worth something… that I can be a success.

Success: what a joke that is.

Some of the most wicked, most terrible people I know have it all and in excess… What about me? I try to do the right thing, I try to be the right person, I try to obey God in everything in my life… yet I have nothing.

It’s truly unfair…

It’s truly unfair to know that God exists. Because if God exists, then that means He’s sovereign. If He is sovereign, then why does life suck and hurt so badly? Why should I suffer, why should I be the loser, why can’t I be a winner… or successful… or good looking… or athletic… or smart…

Why didn’t God gift me with anything… why am I left with empty hands? Why am I nothing but an empty shell of a man?

I just want to know why I’m here. Doesn’t everyone? Doesn’t everyone care about their existence. It actually might be easier not to. I would like to not care about my existence or why I’m here… it would make things a lot easier. But I believe in God, I believe in everything He says He is… that makes life so complicated.

When will my time come… when will I get the things that I want? If I had just one question to ask God… I would ask, “Why didn’t you come and provide for me when I needed you to?” Might be selfish but it is something that is always on my mind.

But then again, I’m just a speck of dust… a grain of sand compared to the rest of the world, the rest of the universe. Who am I? I’m nothing… absolutely nothing. Maybe my failure and tragedy of a life is just a reflection of that truth.

What if I’m a walking billboard? A billboard that says, “It’s possible to have nothing and to be nothing.” If I have to be a nothing in this life, if that’s what God has called me to be… then I will be the best nothing possible.

Just as I am a speck of dust… a grain of sand… that’s how much I hold on to: a speck, a grain. Thats my hope: a speck, a grain. I see the way people look at me, I don’t like it but I deal with it… I’ve dealt with it for so long.

I’ve become acquainted with the folly of my life, the nothingness found inside.

God when will things change? Oh, I hope things change…

[Dedicated to those who are hurting... I feel your pain. We will make it through. Hold on to hope. It's all we got left...]

~ Joseph Joubert

 While all of my writings are personal pieces that I treasure, some I treasure more than others. This one is pretty special to me. The reason why, I hope, will become obvious to you as you read. But I can give it away a little. This one is special because this one speaks on a subject that is near to me. This one speaks to a world that is completely lost in itself. This one speaks to the Church, and how we need to gain a wonder and an honesty about our human condition. Specifically, that we don’t have it all together and that we don’t understand everything.

Ever since I became a Christ-follower, I thought being one meant that I had all the answers and that perfection was an obligation. I thought it meant my good works superseded my sinfulness. I thought it meant that I was too good for those who didn’t agree with me. I thought it meant a lot of things… but it didn’t mean those.

I never came to a true grasp of what the Christian life looks like until I went to college. Now I, by no means, have a grasp on this in its entirety. Nevertheless, God revealed to me some pretty radical things beginning in this time. And during this time I struggled greatly, not only with my eternal destiny, but with even the concept of God and Christianity. It was hard for me to understand that the Christian life was all about grace… at least grace as a foundation.

I had always viewed God as the master checklist keeper. I thought he was some cosmic bookkeeper that was tracking all of my rights and wrongs, all of my good works and sins, all of my accomplishments and screw-ups. Now, I didn’t dismiss his holiness or his judgment when I came to realize he wasn’t this. Because God is our judge, he is holy and we are not. We are holy only because he is holy and making us such. But God is a god of immense grace and mercy. He is a God that has covered us and washed us in His precious son’s blood!

But the hardness I was exhibiting from a young age about who God is really didn’t lie so much in the legalism that was thrusted upon me when I was young. It was found more so in the rigidness in the theology I was developing at an older age. Having a background in Bible college and seminary, if one forgets their intimate, personal time with God; then all God becomes is a subject, and not a person to romance with.

The Christian life, for me, was about obligation and not about romance.

These formative years for ministry were rigorous. They were tough years that I had to spend developing rote memorization of numerous facts about a concept that frankly we can’t master. Soon I will begin studies on my third religious degree, a Master of Divinity. Think about that… a THIRD degree? Who has three degrees these days? Who needs three degrees? Ok, well that’s not the point… anyways… a Master of Divinity, the term itself is ludicrous. I mean, what human thinks he can “master the divine”? You have to have a lot of guts to think you are that intelligent. Unfortunately, many do and act like they can accopmlish such a feat… FOOLS!

Over the years I began to become completely dissatisfied in my life. I began to become dissatisfied with Christianity and the Bible. I began to doubt and to question everything about myself and my existence. I began to face the fear that life was meaningless and that my beliefs were nothing more that my brain performing synapses to comfort me. I began to doubt the supernatural. I did a lot of things that scared me.

I allowed the Devil to gain a foothold in my life, and in my beliefs. I wondered what happened to the Ryan that believed God with such an abandonment and zeal. What happened to the childlike faith? What had I become?

After a radical encounter with God in my life, I began to change. I was passionate about gaining back the zeal and childlike faith I once had. The extreme abandonment I desired began to become the search, and not just a knowledge of facts. God began to place in my life not professors or scholars, but ordinary radicals who believed the fulness of God cannot be fully explained but could be fully experienced.

These people, who now I call friends, were those who worshipped in Spirit when all I was doing was “worshipping” in truth. I wanted the Spirit of God to fill my life again. And he was beginning that process, God is faithful to perform the works he intends to accomplish. My assurance of salvation rested not in my own doing but in God’s work that he already accomplished and that which he is continually finishing.

I am desiring a clarion call to come forth to the Church, for a time to begin breaking the boxes that keep us from fully knowing and experiencing God. The boxes that we keep God in so that we feel comfortable, as we unknowingly suck the life out of ourselves and our churches. A time to unite under the God we do believe in and not divide because of the “doctrines” we don’t believe.

Will we be so bold? Are we willing to take a chance on being wrong to discover and to wonder again in the God who is always right? If we can make a change, God will change us!

Let us romance in our God once again…

“Woe to you Pharisees, because you give God a tenth of your mint, rue and all other kinds of garden herbs, but you neglect justice and the love of God. You should have practiced the latter without leaving the former undone.”

~ Luke 11:42 (NIV)

~ C. S. Lewis

The hardest thing for me to grasp is the fact that not everyone will accept me for who I am.

Yet it’s an important fact to understand… because happiness is based on knowing and living this very concept.

It is something the entire human race understands and desires.

And it’s something that we can’t bear to lose.

I am a very relational person myself. I am very extroverted and outgoing and I thrive in environments where I can relate with someone on a very personal basis. I am not the “office” type. I can’t be in one place by myself for a long period of time. That’s why friendship is so important to me, and it’s something I have always tried hard to have.

But something I have learned as I have gotten older is that not everyone is going to like you. Not everyone is going to want to be friends with you. And that you might not be the friend someone wants. That last statement is the hardest to accept. The reason is while I can’t control how someone else feels about me, I can control how I act and feel.

Friendships are talked about constantly in the Bible. Two men who are readily referenced to as a picture of intimate friendship are David and Jonathan. There friendship is referenced mainly in 1 Samuel and it is one of true commitment… more so a covenant. It’s a story about how Jonathan’s father, King Saul, tried to get rid of David as he was a rival to the throne of Israel. Jonathan understood that friendship that pleases God trumps personal gain. Friendship lasts while power fades. In the end Jonathan and his father, Saul, die; and David assumes the throne of Israel. Jonathan had the right to assume the throne, but followed God’s will to protect the one chosen for the throne, David.

We give up on friendship too easily for the cares of this world. We allow ourselves to pursue a fleeting dream of better days and better circumstances, and we will dispose of friends that don’t help us in the way we want them to to find those who will. We take advantage of one another and we don’t love each other as we love ourselves.

No matter how hard you try… not everyone will like you. Don’t compromise who you are and what you believe to try to get others to accept you. Because people respect authenticity more than conformity. If we live by that statement, then even through difficulties we will stay true to ourselves and the amazing plan God has for us.

Remember to make your life count. To make a difference in the lives of others. To pursue the perfect plan God has in store for you. Know that God wants to place awesome friends into your life to bring and build you up in the likeness of His Son, Jesus. Also know that he gives you the choice to choose poor friends in your life. Read the book of Proverbs sometime, it has a lot of advice on what a good friend is.

A life that conforms to the character of Christ will always be the supreme example of friendship!

“The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.”

~ Proverbs 12:26 (NIV)

I wonder if anyone who has ever dated a woman has said that. This is just another musing of mine. Not real polished writing, per se. I mean I’m tired of the polished stuff… don’t get me wrong, I love to read good quality, polished writing. But sometimes I just like to type away on my MacBook and never look back.

I love to just write without the heavy editing, Scripture referencing, peer-review aspects of it all. This is one of those writings. First off, this is a blog… it’s not my intention to be the most scholarly person out there. I want to have my writings filled to the brim with Scripture… but sometimes it doesn’t turn out that way. Sometimes, I just ramble and muse and hope something good comes of it…

So something that’s been on my mind for a little bit is my lovely girlfriend. Well, she’s on my mind all the time but lately something has become striking about her… at least it took me a while to really see this and grasp it: I am NOT her #1 love. At first this seemed to hurt a bit. I mean I am her boyfriend… don’t I get the attention? Don’t I get all of her love and affection?

Not really…

and its great!

If I was her #1 love, her numero uno, then I would be in trouble… and so would she. You see, I can’t love her the way she deserves and needs to be loved. “What?” says the peanut gallery… That’s right, I can’t love her… the only way she is loved and adored by me is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ.

Here’s the greatest thing about my girlfriend: not only is she gorgeous, smart, funny, kind, generous, and all of those things you find in Proverbs 31… more than that… She is crazy about Jesus! Not the kind of crazy radical that the media tries to portray… but the sweet, amazing crazy that says “She’s in love.”

Jesus has been a part of her life way before I came into the picture. And while her relationship with Christ isn’t perfect… it’s pretty incredible. She has always let me know I am not her #1. And at first it seemed terribly rude. But then when I stopped acting dumb, I realized it was great. I can’t be her all in all. I can’t be that perfect man. I can’t be that gracious, tender comforter all the time.

But Jesus can… and He is!

Her relationship with Christ takes off so much pressure on me. It allows me to be me, but a better version of me. Because it fuels my desire to be like Christ more… that’s how she loves me… that’s why she loves me. I have struggled lately in my walk. It’s been a hard road so far this year. And even when I wanted to give up on God, He never gave up on me…

and neither did my girlfriend.

So I dedicate this post to my lovely girlfriend, Kristen Smith. Hoping that I will NEVER be her #1 love…

~ Thomas A` Kempis

There is so much more to life than yesterday…

Yet we are always focused on our past. Whether it is our past relationships, past jobs, past accomplishments, or past mistakes– yesterday is always creeping up on our minds.

But why? Why are we so focused on something that is no longer? We can’t go back into the past. We don’t have time machines waiting for us at our disposal. There’s nothing we can do when the clock strikes midnight on any given day. That day is over, written down in history, never to be changed no matter how much we want it to so many times.

That’s my weakness… I get hung up on my past. I get so messed up in my past failures especially. I see so many people who are doing so well, have everything I ever wanted, and I’m stuck in the same old mess. It seems so unfair, I mean what did I do to deserve my plight?

So many times I ask God for some answers. I ask Him why things are going the way they are, and when things will look better. Because I get worn, weary, and worried about my future. I allow the world to dictate my happiness and what success looks like. I compare myself to others and when so many are doing better, then I get discouraged and want to crawl in a hole and disappear. I’m ashamed of what happens many times in my life…

Yet I am reminded that in life we all will struggle. There will come a time when even the most successful will fail, the most happy will experience sadness, and the most accomplished will experience loss. Life is so imperfect and it never goes the way we expect it to. If you told me my life would be the way it is now five years ago, I would have laughed… and been terrified!

We need to realize that the best things in life are not to be experienced here on earth. I know, depressing. It doesn’t mean that life on earth can’t be good, because it surely can… and it is with God dwelling in our lives. What it does mean is that we are not meant to be dwellers, but pilgrims. We are all on a journey!

Many say that life isn’t about the destination, but about the journey… that’s wrong. It’s about both! You can’t neglect one or the other. The journey is important because it prepares us for the destination. The destination is important because it’s what gives purpose to the journey. Without one, the other is meaningless.

So stop focusing on the past, stop focusing on all the tragedy, loss, and failure you have experienced. Life wasn’t meant to be lived in rewind, but in play. God has so much better in store for you than what you have now. He’s got a place for you in eternity with Him if you want it, and believe me you do! Just claim Him and His promises for your life… you will never gain better until you let go of the lesser!

We wish we could delete it.

I never wanted my life to turn out the way it did, but nevertheless it did… and I have to face that harsh reality.

We don’t always get what we want in life, and it sucks. But there is a reason for everything, whether we see it or not. I mean hindsight is 20/20 right?

If you want to read more about why things don’t always turn out the way we want, you can read another one of my posts here: http://daretofollow.wordpress.com/2009/02/16/sovereignty-why-we-always-dont-get-what-we-want/

So I’m mixing “we” and “I” around in this post, it might read like inconsistent rambling… and I’m sorry if it does, but I am doing it for a reason. I really don’t want to feel like I’m alone in this process, and I don’t think I am — truly.

But I have had dreams that have been crushed recently. I feel like a failure, I don’t feel like I am good enough. I feel inadequate and unintelligent. I feel so numb and like my life is slipping from my fingers. I feel like I’m losing control.

Maybe there are reasons for these feelings: either the Devil is trying to bring me down with these feelings, or God is using them to teach me something… or both, I don’t know right now.

I wish I could go back in my life and delete all of the bad and tough times I had to go through. I hate all that I have gone through in the past few months. It’s been horrible, and nothing I expected. Just when I thought life was going amazing, it slips away. I thank God that He was there to catch me when I fall… and have fallen (Psalm 121:3). I’m thankful for the people He has put in my life to help me (Ecclesiastes 4:12). I’m thankful for his promises, and how he is faithful to keep them (Joshua 23:14).

As Thomas Merton once said:

“The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering — the more you suffer; because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt.”

Well I have definitely been hurt.

And I have tried to avoid suffering.

I realize I can no longer escape suffering, but become stronger through it.

If I go through terrible calamities, and hard times… then what seems significant will become insignificant. It does say in the Scriptures “Blessed are they that mourn…” (Matthew 5:4).

God never gives us more than we can handle (1 Corinthians 10:13). If we can handle things and overcome, he will gives us more difficult things to overcome… because God wants to raise up strong men and women who will proclaim the goodness and faithfulness of His Son… He has given us all a story, are we allowing Him to write it?

So yes, I wish things were going exactly the way I want it to. But if it did, would life really be worth living for?